7 Quick Takes-Mother of the Year

1. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I feel so on it as a mother. I can take my kids out in public and I'm met with approving nods at my children's model behavior, we can get through a long car ride without any meltdowns, and Tony and Alessandra play nicely with other children at the playground. I'll smile warmly and give myself a mental pat on the back, congratulating myself on raising such lovely, gentle, calm children.

Well.

2. Will is once again in the field, four days this week and four days next week. Such a schedule makes for a stressed out mama and cranky kids, but hey, such is the Army life, right? I can totally handle this on my own. Unless, of course, your kids both come down with a nasty cold at the same time, and your son develops a miserable ear infection as well. And said ear infection makes a violent appearance at 10pm, and your son spends the rest of the night screaming and sobbing in pain, while you curse the Army for taking your husband out of the house for days on end.

3. But hey, you still got this! Calm and cool, you pack up two coughing, sneezing, miserable kids and trot them off to the doctor's office to get a prescription for your little boy, and possibly an exorcist for your daughter (had to stop at church for that one; sadly, exorcists are in short supply at most doctors offices). Pick up prescription. Head home, medicate and feed children, put everyone to bed. Take care of the dog. Attempt to get some much-needed rest for yourself, only to be woken at least once every 2 hours, because when your daughter coughs, she wakes herself up and is unable (or, more likely, unwilling) to self-soothe.

4. The following morning, irritable and exhausted after getting barely any sleep, make sure to stub your toe as hard as possible on the dining room chair. Before you've had your cup of coffee. Mistakenly believing that you are alone, mutter a string of curse words that would impress even your 4-time Iraq War veteran husband. Spin around in shock as your 3-year old says disdainfully, "Mama, you say a lot of bad words."

5. Realize you should probably have a little Come to Jesus talk with yourself regarding road rage as well. You know you might have let your temper get a little out of control when the stoplight turns green, the guy in front of you hesitates, and your son says, "Hey dude, light a fire under it! Light's only one shade of green!"

6. The following afternoon, you also need to have a (strongly worded) heart to heart with your son about hoarding. Specifically, rotting food. Upon entering his bedroom to institute Mandatory Quiet Time, you will smell a foul odor. You will follow the smell to the closet, at which point you will discover two rotting apples in the corner. After removing them with a broom and dustpan, while wearing rubber gloves, you will ask your son WHY in the world he felt the need to store half-eaten food in his closet. His answer of, "Because I felt like it" will not exactly reassure you.

7. But don't worry! Really! Your husband will be home tomorrow, at which point you can shove the children in his arms the second he walks in the door, and retreat to your bathroom for a luxurious bubble bath, a few candles, a good book, and NO ONE will disturb you.

For a whole 18 minutes.

For more Quick Takes, visit Kelly at This Ain't the Lyceum